Trigger warming: extreme violence against women, discussion of murder, suicide, online bullying
As a sexologist, I’ve been writing and educating about sexual double standards for years; the age-old damned if you do, damned if you don’t predicament women face about their sexuality. If you have sex, you won’t be respected, but if you don’t have sex, you still won’t be respected. It’s an impossible paradox. This week, that paradox became deadly. This week women have died for saying yes to sex. And women have died for saying no.
First, earlier this week the story of Alyssa Funke broke. She said yes to sex. And she agreed to film it for other people to enjoy while masturbating, and was paid to do so. When her friends and the internet found out about her porn video, she was harassed so vehemently she committed suicide with a shotgun. She was slut-shamed to death. She’s dead because she said yes to sex, and people (mostly men) tormented her about this fact. They tormented her about her decision the have sex until the point that she believed being dead was a better scenario that dealing with the torment.
BUT THAT WASN’T ENOUGH FOR THEM!
Even though she’s dead, men continue to tweet at her remarks that simultaneously shame her for saying yes to sex, relish her death, and delight in masturbating to her video. The tone I read over and over again was “She filmed herself having sex, so she deserved to die. I enjoyed watching her have sex, but she still deserved to die.”
If some men believe the death penalty should be the punishment women, and women alone, receive for saying yes to sex, they must believe that sex is the worst of crimes, and we should therefore say no to sex. But saying no to sex resulted in women’s deaths this week too. The double standard isn’t just damned if you do, damned if you don’t anymore. It’s dead if you do, dead if you don’t.
A man killed 6 people and wounded 7 others at the University of California Santa Barbara two days ago, shooting into a sorority house, as promised, as "retribution" that since puberty women have denied him the sex and attention that he thought he deserved for being a “gentleman”. Women said no to sex, and now women are dead.
BUT THAT WASN’T ENOUGH FOR THEM!
Men began posting to twitter, Facebook, and Instagram that, well, these women got what they deserved. The tone I read over and over again was “This is what bitches get for denying the guy some pussy. He was a rich, good looking guy, and stuck up selfish prude sluts wouldn’t put out. Let this be a lesson to you ladies, the next time you refuse a man a blow job.”
It is open season on women. If he was black and he drove down the street killing people from his car window, he would have been labelled a “thug”. If he was middle eastern and struck fear into an entire town by murdering strangers as they walked down the street, he would have been labelled a “terrorist”. But he was an affluent, young, white man on a mission to murder women, so he’s just a depressed guy who understandably snapped after being rejected by women for too long.
So what can we do to stop this? We can refuse to participate in policing other people’s sexuality. We can call it out when we see others doing it. We can petition the media to address the misogyny and sexual double standard when discussing these murders. We can talk about it- blog about it, post status updates about it, write school papers about it, talk to friends about it. When it happens online, we can report it.
But we have so much work to do. When I reported to twitter that people were still sending horrific messages to Alyssa Funke, calling her a “whore” and rejoicing in her suicide, twitter informed me that they will not investigate my complaint. Only the person being subjected to the harassment directly can file a report, they told me. Well, Alyssa can’t do that twitter. She’s dead.
When I was a freshman, my sister was in eighth grade. There was a boy in two of her periods who would ask her out every single day. (Third and seventh period, if I remember correctly.) All day during third and seventh she would repeatedly tell him no. She didn’t beat around the bush, she didn’t lie and say she was taken—she just said no.
One day, in third period, after being rejected several times, he said; “I have a gun in my locker. If you don’t say yes, I am going to shoot you in seventh.”
I’m almost done with EMT school, and I can verify this 100%. We don’t give a shit what you’ve taken or how illegal it may be. We want to know what and how much so we can save your ass. Unless its directly related to a crime scene in some way, we don’t tell.
It makes me enraged and also deeply saddened that the police state has become so entwined with every aspect of our lives that people are afraid to tell the truth to people trying to render them with emergency care. We’ve broken ourselves.
Boost because everyone should know!!!
My uncle was an EMT and I can verify this is true.
It’s a hundred percent true the only time police will be involved Is if you have endangered the lives of another adult or child. Until that happens you will not get in trouble, your life means more to a doctor than the mistakes you made to put yourself in that position
this is important
From time to time it’s refreshing for the women of tumblr to see a gentle picture that reminds them that not all women are models… that other women’s skin is pink and pale and freckled too, that other women’s breasts are soft and a bit sagging, as are other women’s tummies and bums… that an hourglass figure with a small waist and big hips is actually very rare, that other women have lumps and bumps too… lets face it, MOST women’s bodies were not designed by an artist to have perfectly photogenic curves and flawless skin… most women i know don’t have a big round bum or breasts that defy gravity or a tiny waist…
The truth is that a woman who carries a bit of weight will likely have soft breasts, some fat around her tummy and waist, bigger thighs and bum - she won’t be tall and voluptuous with enormous breasts and the possessor of killer curves like London Andrews (because she may be a plus size model but she’s still a model)… and a woman who is on the smaller side will likely have quite small breasts, straight through the waist and quite narrow hips… so even though she may not carry a lot of weight, she’ll likely be just as insecure about her body as any other woman…
I love the beautiful erotic photography on tumblr, but when that’s what you’re looking at for a considerable part of each day, it really can start to affect the way you see yourself… especially when no picture of YOU has ever looked that way… so i love simple images like this, of an average body in some average lingerie, because lets face it, most of us don’t have a collection of french lace either…
So here’s to soft flesh and stretch marks, to saggy boobs and straight waists, to flat bums and lumpy thighs, short legs and less than perfect chins… and here’s to the average men out there too with hairy backs and no six pack, to normal sized cocks and thinning hair…
Hey, i love to look at a gorgeous bod as much as the next person, but lets not beat ourselves up for not looking that way ourselves!! Yes, lets keep ourselves fit and healthy, but l know that i’ll never have the body of a 20 year old photographic model, no matter how much kale i eat or how many laps of that fucking pool i swim!!
~ Isabella ~
a muslim woman protesting the burka. in some countries, muslim women are raped and beaten for showing even their noses and mouths. in some places, they get their hands chopped off for showing their wrists, or looking at a man.
This is amazing, this is beyond amazing.
This is likely the only time my blog will have nudity on it but I feel this is too important not to have on my blog. The female body is something beautiful. Harming a woman for the reasons listed above is beyond cruel and oppressive. It should never happen and I’m glad people are taking a stand against it.
BAD GIRLS DO IT WELL
The Gulabi gang is a group of women vigilantes active across North India. It is named after the pink saris worn by its members. The group was founded as a response to widespread domestic abuse and other violence against women. Gulabis visit abusive husbands and beat them with bamboo sticks. In 2008, they stormed an electricity office and forced officials to restore the power they had cut to extract bribes. The Gulabis have also stopped child marriages and protested dowry and female illiteracy.
So, most of you know that your facebook can be viewed/monitored by employers. But I know a girl who got fired a few weeks ago because her boss used her email from her application TO FIND HER TUMBLR - where she had said some not nice things about her boss, job and coworkers.
And after some discussion, a worker who over heard the conversation for a Staffing Company confessed that they use your email to find you on several social networking sites (Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook being the first ones they check) and that they recommend it to employers as well.
You can prevent this on Tumblr by deselecting the “let people look me up by this address” box. It also helps to never tag your name, or have your full name on your blog if it’s also searchable by search engines.
It was just brought to my attention to post this because if your out on your blog, but not IRL, your employer could potentially out you to your coworkers, friends or family. Plus I also think it’s a huge violation of privacy, since some of these blogs are outlets from your everyday life. So protect yourself fellow bloggers :)
I let that box stay checked because firstname.lastname@example.org is an old email that I use only for unofficial things that are never attached to my legal name
(Eli is my middle name, and in the real world, I am forced to use my first name. :x)
But for those who were not aware, this is important information
I agree, there needs to be more governmental funding for college education, like having everyone pay small taxes to keep college tuition low. People have gotta realize that isn’t “free-loading” on the government, education should not be treated as a “privilege”, because society as a whole benefits from people getting educated so that they can get good jobs and become productive members of society who will pay taxes too. Then students wouldn’t have to take out out a lot of loans and end up in debt just to get the education they need, if people realized this.